Inner Turmoil

I had an epiphany yesterday. I am training girls to become healthy and lean while preaching to importance of loving your self, your body and having positive self talk no matter what.

Yet, when I had my own consult with my trainer it almost felt like I was watching from a far and hearing the words I saw forming together and hearing the insecurities coming out, well shocked me.

In the past I have overcome a lot to reach the point I am at now. I am a positive person and life a happy life. Yet the quote I found on tumblr above resonated a tad to much.

I am in the best shape of my life. I am getting in even better shape. Yet I am not satisfied. Yes I am happier in many ways but I still am striving to be something I not nor need to be. I’m creating a negative, verging on binge mentality within myself that I need to stop. Yes to stop because I am an example for the girls I train but also because I do not wish to proceed any further down this path. I have been there and know the exact place that it leads. Let me tell you it’s a dark, twisted place where nothing appears as it really is.

I have also made the realisation that a lot of it stems from my involvement in promotional and modelling work. I have made the decision that after my last booking in April I will not be participating in any more of this work for the time being. I am not saying forever, a perfect opportunity may present its self. But I won’t be perfect until I have control over my thoughts, attitude and reactions again. Until I reclaim my status at secure at all times at all level with my body.

Having someone point out I am ‘shoot ready’ right now hit the point home as I was beating my self up about something THAT DIDN'T EXSIT!

I intend to reach back into myself and pull forward to a woman, who is a trainer and inspiration for others not because of how she looks but because she is proud of what her body is capable of and has that true inner happiness again. It is hard for me to share this in a public forum but I hid last time and know the results that stemmed from that.

I’m not Wonder Woman. I will not be competing against anyone but myself. But I will be out there eating clean, busting my butt as I am now because the pain of it all means something – that I am ALIVE and CAPABLE. In fact (to be a total cliché) I am WORTH IT.

I know other girls struggle with this, I speak to them every day about it. So I hope my words can help make that realisation happen for others too. 

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